Thank You

If you were still here on earth with us, you would wake up today knowing it was your birthday, but you would probably have to ask me how old you were.  You always forgot your exact age, and I would have to remind you each year.  I would tell you and you would act surprised, as if you skipped a year and didn't realize it.  So today as we would celebrate your 50th birthday, you would probably ask me in bewilderment, "I'm 50?! Are you sure?"

Every birthday card I wrote always said the same thing.  I always made sure to tell you two things, and this year is no different. The first thing I always made sure to do was tell you thank you for everything you did for me.  Growing up I was substantially aware of the tangible things you provided for me, like a nice home and nice things.  If you could provide it, you did, and I know how hard you worked to provide as much as possible.  You allowed me to experience so many great things in life.  All the sports and school activities, the formal dresses, hair and makeup for all the dances, all the trips, a good home in a safe neighborhood so I could be surrounded by good people and friends, my car, my college education, and just about everything I can think of.  All my needs and wants in life, you provided for me with great love and without complaint.  I realize the many sacrifices you made to put me in a good home, a good school and provide all the opportunities in the world for me to succeed.  When I was a kid I never realized just how much you struggled financially to provide for us, especially as a single mother.  I heard the phrase, "I'm broke" thousands of times growing up, but I never once felt poor.  Your love was truly enough and I know it drove you to give me everything you could, which was so much! So, once again, thank you for everything you have ever done for me.

The second thing I always wrote in your birthday card was that you were the greatest mother on earth!  It wasn't just something I said; I sincerely meant those words for many reasons.  You protected me.  I became attached to you at a very young age, and you protected me from harm in a very special way.  You protected my heart from being broken and my spirit from being crushed by other people and circumstances that had the potential of hurting me very badly.  Your loving affection overflowed.  Whether it was rubbing my hair so I could fall asleep, or letting me lay on your lap while watching T.V., or holding my hand as we walked side by side, I experienced your affection often and freely.  I am so grateful that I was able to kiss you, hug you, and tell you I love you almost every day of my life.  You created an affectionate heart in me that I am able to share with all the people I love.  You were also the best comforter.  You were very familiar with struggling, so you knew it was something I had to experience and you tried to build me up through it.  You would always tell me, "this builds character."  The way you would lay with me and hold me when I was crying is a feeling I will never forget.  You encouraged everything I did.  You never discouraged any of my ideas, hobbies or dreams.  Instead, you became involved and supported me without question.  You told me all the time how smart and talented I was, and you thought my dreams were so unique; you thought I could do anything.  It is because of all your support that I have been able to have so many incredible experiences and opportunities in life.  Now when I get to experience something new, I think of you and how happy you would be for me.  You were so loving, and you were filled with sincere joy when something great happened to anyone you loved.  I remember that great big smile that spread across your face when you knew something good was happening to them.  That smile is something I think about daily.  I do not know the reason God chose to give me such an incredible mother when there are so many daughters out there who never get to experience the bond we shared or the love you gave.  Whatever the reason, thank you for being the greatest mother on earth.

I can't write these things in a birthday card or a letter or tell them to you while you're opening your present, because today is not your birthday; today you're not 50 years old.  Your life on earth is over and you've begun your eternal life with our Almighty Father, and I know you're just waiting peacefully and comfortably for the rest of us.  Nothing makes me happier than knowing you've reached the ultimate reward, which is incomparable to any struggle you had here on earth.  The provisions, protection, comfort, encouragement, support, and unending love you bestowed upon all of us was absolutely divine, and I know these were just manifestations of all the characteristics of God.  Your faith in the Lord allowed the Holy Spirit to inhabit your heart and work through you to provide all of us with these great gifts.  So today I would like to give my thanks to the Lord.  Lord, thank you for all the things you've ever done for me and for giving me the greatest mother on earth.  I am forever grateful and blessed by it. 

This is my song for you today, Mom. I love you.

The Way She Lived It

I have wanted to create a blog about Mom for quite some time.  I have a journal by my bed that I write in when I think about her and when I want to talk to her.  I'm the only one who sees it, and it really just captures what I'm feeling and experiencing during that particular moment; mainly when I am sad and really miss her presence.  This blog will basically serve the same purpose, but that is not why I started it.  Obviously one purpose it serves is to recall Mom's honorable battle with cancer, and to document all the details I can remember, the days and moments I never want to forget.  Her fight is still so vivid in my mind, and the longer I go without writing it all down, the greater chance I have of losing it or recalling it inaccurately.  Another purpose of this blog is to help with the grieving process.  Although I am moving on without her, I never want to my recovery to lead to me starting a new life, or even "chapter."  I want Mom, and her death, to always be part of me in everything I do.  This blog will help me think about her, reflect on her experiences, stir up old memories and keep her close and active in my life.  However, my true intention for this blog is to serve others.  Whether you knew her beauty personally or not, I pray her story reels you in to discover the true meaning of life and the absolute power of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Without the love and compassion of Jesus Christ, her faith would not exist, nor would her story.  If there was one thing everyone knew about Mom, it was that she loved Jesus and relied on the faith God gave her to live her life like Him.  I know in my heart I will never know a more inspirational, faithful and loving woman than Mom, and I want to convey just how beautiful and incredible she was.  However, my primary aim is to glorify the Lord through her life; the truth is, without Him her struggle and her death would just be a sad story.  

Obviously I utterly adore Mom and her amazing spirit is unlike anything I can fathom, but I don't want to focus on all her good qualities and character.  I just want you to know her - a real person who lived 48 years in the same world you and I wake up in everyday with the same struggles, responsibilities and convictions we face.  Through her story you'll experience her the way everyone who personally knew her did, with sheer awe and fulfillment.  She will inspire you, comfort you, support you and give you hope, just the way she always did while she was here.  If you continue to read her story and you find yourself longing to live, love or fight the way she did, or if you're struggling right now and need motivation for conquering your battles, I have one answer for you - "Put your hope in the Lord, both now and forevermore." Psalm 131:3